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This is a topic I've wanted to write about since the start of HWO but was really hoping I wouldn't have to. Unfortunately, as someone who spends 90% of my waking hours in the online virtual world I find that I'm more "out there" than others and this probably leads me to cross paths with "flamers" more often than others. A "flame" is described in Virginia Shea's e-book 'Netiquette' as the practice of posting messages of anger in response to somebody else's post. Usually matters of opinion, a message only becomes a flame if it doesn't hold back any emotion. So a polite discussion isn't a flame, but attacking somebody's view with an emotional response will be. Now flaming, by itself, isn't a breach of netiquette, but it becomes one if the participants carry on their row for some time and begin to overtake the forum (known as a flame war).

Are you a "flamer"? Could someone you know be a "flamer"? There is always the question of who started the altercation - is it the original poster or the one who reacts with anger and venom to the post? As someone who probably "likes" and "comments" fifty times a day on FaceBook I should probably count my blessings that this doesn't happen to me more often but it happens just often enough that it still really stings and boggles my mind that complete strangers would feel they can and should say these things to others online. Worse still when the flamer is an old acquaintance - no longer can they be considered a friend after such a public breach of trust.

Last summer I started to follow a blog post by a woman who approached me on Twitter with the statement: "I Don't Like What You Wrote. You Should Be Poisoned, Garrotted, Stabbed With Stiletto Heels, Thrown Off A Tall Building, and Have Vultures Eat Your Liver" - now THOSE are fighting words, right? Turned out that her post was actually about the hate mail/flaming that she has received for some previous posts that this woman intended to be completely innocuous. Ellen Brandt, of Ellen Interactive, has turned this topic into an ongoing thread that now spans almost 5 months of commentary - most of it of the non-flame variety. But it indicates how many people are out there who have found themselves the victims of flaming and how long-lasting the sting can be. It's randomly cruel. It's like throwing something out you car window at 40 mph and hoping it hits that jogger you just passed. One must wonder what kind of mind finds this satisfying?

I have experienced flaming as a territorial act - when joining a new forum the established regulars feel they must belittle and harass a new member - why, who knows? Flaming as a way of political discourse - during the elections last fall social networking sites were rife with hateful opinions flying about - leading me to quit more than one of them. (This includes flaming by those who forwarded hateful emails to me from their other like-minded hateful, political friends.) Flaming from misunderstanding - trying to just add to the conversation, a carelessly placed post that seemed funny at the time but left out the "LOL" caused someone to call me out by name on FaceBook recently; and, perhaps the one that makes me most want to pick up the phone and continue an altercation in person - the unintended reader of a FaceBook comment who assumes you are talking about them and feels they need to blast you on someone else's wall. I guess when someone is miserably lonely, unhappy, and frustrated they can't be expected to know any better. (Should I cross out that last line? Nah. Some things need to be said.)

It's been explained by psychologists that the lack of face-to-face interaction emboldens the flamer into feeling they are free to say anything that strikes their fancy. They feel anonymous and protected by the online interaction. One article even compares it to experiments that were done where students delivered electric shocks to other students on command - ignoring their pain - but found it harder to do when they could see the victims' faces. It's actually been my own experience that more males seem to be flaming more often than females - but I've met one or two women in my time who were very capable of the quickly tossed online insult.

Probably because of my Catholic upbringing I always feel that my sins will be seen by one and all. I'm a fairly good writer, capable of the flame-response that ends with a resounding SNAP! to put a flamer in their place - but my conscience almost always gets the best of me. A response to a flamer may elicit a completely knee-jerk reply on my part, but, usually, I go back in, delete the comment, and just block the person. My blocking list is growing - there was a time when I couldn't imagine needing it.

I think the best lesson here is the one reached by Tim O'Dell in a recent article on netiquette: "Remember, whenever you interact with others online, you are dealing with people just like you. So be polite, and treat them the way you like to be treated." Words to live by.

By Kate LaFrance

As the Publisher of Hartford Woman Online Kate is passionate about bridging the gap between the work-from-home and the office dwelling career woman in the Greater Hartford Area. She is open to new ideas and new friends from all of the towns and neighborhoods throughout CT.

Kate has 20 years of newspaper industry experience behind her doing everything but run the press! She's sold ads, designed ads, created ads, written editorial, taken photos, run departments, run managers and more. In the past 10 years, Kate has concentrated on becoming a marketing maven, Virtual Assistant business owner, internet marketing strategist and, now, online publisher.

If you'd like to get Kate and Hartford Woman Online behind your CT cause or business, send her an email and let her know - she will consider all offers that help women.