So, what am I doing here?

This is what went through my mind on my first post-divorce date.

And as I went on a few more, I began to wonder how many times I would have to answer the question "So, what's your story?" Story? What story? I didn't know that I had a story...as a matter of fact. I didn't even know what my own story was!

• Online dating and creating a "profile"?
• Match.com
• Sex with someone other than my ex-husband
• Laser hair removal or shaving...and how much?
• Driving myself home at the end of a night out

These had become some of the things that now went through my mind as I entered dating as a "divorced" woman!

There was no one to consult...my friends did not have to date, they had husbands. I would have to come up with a playbook of my own. A dating playbook...with rules and plays and strategies. It would take time to develop and many, many experiences...both funny and pathetic.

Why couldn't we just bypass the "what's your story" question and pretend that we already knew each other? I just didn't feel like summing up the past 15 years of my life in a short answer to one "simple" question.

So, here are the top 10 plays in my Divorce and Dating Playbook. Feel free to add, modify and define your own playbook as you move into this new and what will be a wonderful time in your life.

1. Be what you want to attract

Before you are ready to date, take the time you need to identify everything that you want in a new relationship. Now, the hard part, ask the question "Am I all of the things that I want in a new partner and relationship?" If the answer is no, then that is where you need to begin. It is absolutely true that you WILL attract that which you put out there. So, be honest and look inward before you start searching out there!

2. Online dating IS part of the dating mix

No, there was no such thing as online dating when you got married...but, there is now! As much as we don't want to admit it...given our time, energy and commitments as divorced women...we don't have a lot of time to devote to dating. As well, since our lives revolve around work, the supermarket and our children's school and social calendars...we may never have the chance to meet a new guy. So, get on the computer and create an online profile that reflects what you want to attract and selectively choose men who meet your criteria. There is a big and beautiful world of people out there!

3. Sex

The dreaded "S" word. Who said dreaded? Sex is great and it's great rediscovering it the second time around! This is the time for you to get to know yourself sexually. If it is not a comfortable subject for you, make this a time to take it up as a "hobby". Read about it, work with someone who can help you define your own sense of sensuality and become comfortable with your own body and sexual exploration. Make it fun, playful and a vital part of who are becoming. Then, take control. You decide if and when you want to have sex with a new partner or not. You create the rules and boundaries. It's your life and your body...enjoy!

4. Laser Hair Removal

Not much more to say here. Laser hair beats shaving...hands down!

5. No Divorce Drunk Driving

No one ever told me that after you get divorced you have to drive YOURSELF home at the end of a night out! I always had a husband to drive me home after a glass or two of wine. Now, there I was, a bit "tipsy" and no driver! Where was the "D" Cab when I needed it? Wasn't there some kind of divorced late night carpool that I could be a part of? So, here is all I have to say, "BE CAREFUL, DON'T DRIVE DRUNK"! You, your children and your future are far too important to make a mistake like driving drunk.

6. Dating Networking

You are now your own new business and you are the only employee. So, you need to develop a sales team! A team that will highlight your amazing qualities, features and benefits! A team that has your sales goals in mind...and by the way, you only need one great sale. Therefore, you need to network. You need to let your friends, family, colleagues, and anyone else that you meet know that you are ready to date and open to meeting new people. Go to social and professional networking events and share your new venture with everyone! You never know where and when you will meet someone!

7. You've got to kiss a lot of frogs....

This brings me to my next point....you've go to kiss a lot of frogs! Each date is an opportunity to meet a new person, friend, acquaintance. Every date will NOT be THE ONE. Find a way to enjoy meeting new people. Expand your network. Begin to learn to appreciate each date's good qualities and remember...you don't have to go out with him a second time. But, be polite...you never know who he knows!

8. Creating Your Story

This is one of the most important plays in the book! It goes back to "be what you want to attract". No one...not friends, DATES, colleagues, family....want to hear bad mouthing, bitter, resentful and victimized comments and conversations. This is an important time to manage and control your emotions, comments and conversations. Stay focused on the positive and on the forward momentum your life is taking. This is not to say that you can't be realistic and share what you have learned from your past relationships, but name calling, bitter and an unpleasant "story" is a sure way to never get a callback! Create your STORY! Make it what you want your life to be in the future. The past is over, the future is yours to create!

9. Red Flags

Red flags are exactly what they seem, RED FLAGS! Recognize them. If it doesn't seem right...it usually isn't. You didn't change your ex-husband, you are not going to change another person either. There are so many wonderful people in the world...you don't need to "overlook" those things you don't like. Be aware of your connections to people and be honest about what your experiences are. You want to make good choices and manifest what you really want in your life and relationships.

10. Be your glorious you!

You are bold, brave and beautiful! You have taken steps to move forward in your life and you hold the playbook! Play fair, play honest and play big! And don't forget to have fun. Good luck!

By Laura Campbell MBA

Laura is a Divorce Expert and Life Reinvention Consultant at The D Spot, LLC.

Laura’s passion and true life purpose is supporting women to reclaim the life that they imagine and deserve.  Laura is the founder of The D Spot, LLC, www.discoverthedspot.com, dedicated to helping women regroup, renew and reinvent themselves before, during and after divorce. She is a Divorce Expert and Life Reinvention Consultant, and author of The Ultimate Divorce Organizer: The Complete, Interactive Guide to Achieving the Best Legal, Financial, and Personal Divorce, releasing in the spring, 2011.  She holds an MBA from New York University’s Stern School of Business and has over 15 years in non-profit management and strategic planning. 

Through The D Spot and her coaching practice, Laura helps women in transition manage their emotions, face their finances and create balance in their life so that they can maintain a healthy mind, body and soul.  Through her guidance, women will maintain a high level of performance in both their personal and professional lives. Her work includes speaking, writing, and leading seminars and workshops in critical areas relating to transition and designing a dream life. Laura believes that every woman deserves to be the champion of her own destiny and live an extraordinary life. You can visit her web site at www.discoverthedspot.com.

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